BUMPER STICKERS                       ________________________ If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You 1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest?? Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot. Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! HANG UP AND DRIVE! Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit ============================================== AFIRMATIONS for the twisted I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging? Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." False hope is nicer than no hope at all. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step˜blaming my parents. I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. More sent by Pygman: Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. Thank You For Pot Smoking. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing. If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me. The Earth Is Full --- Go Home. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me. So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. Illiterate? Write For Help. Honk If Anything Falls Off. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket? It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off. [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong. Fight Crime --- Shoot Back! If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On A Jeep] Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge. [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut? Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. Ax Me 'bout Ebonics. Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel. Boldly Going Nowhere. Cat --- The Other White Meat. Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!